Okay, Kiddies, gather ’round while I tell you a spooky tale.

Because it’s Friday the Thirteenth, Johnny, and I’m not expecting you to make it to Halloween.

Ask me one more stupid question and find out.

No more questions? Good.

Long ago in a deep, dark, swampy forest nothing happened. But up the road about a mile there lived a cranky old lady and her sable cat.

Sable means black, Tracy. Here’s the dictionary, look up anything else you don’t understand – quietly!

Yes, it’s an old fashioned book. Would you like an old fashioned spanking? No? Last chance. You’re sure? Good.

The old lady had many visitors. Every time the king did something stupid, people would knock on her door and beg for her to explain. She would invite them in, boil something over the fire in the hopes that they would get the hint and go home, then give up and explain why the king had done whatever stupid thing he had done.

This happened almost every other day because these people had a really stupid king. To be fair, the people had tried to elect the cranky old lady instead but she threatened to boil them instead of her dinner. People would come from miles around and often they would bring meat and vegetables for her to boil. Instead of taking the hint that she wanted them to leave, they thought she wanted to cook for them. It worked out nicely as the old lady ended up with a lot of leftovers.

Still, she’d moved into this dilapidated spooky old shack with an ebony – what Tracy? Ebony also means black. You know what ‘dilapidated’ means but not any synonyms for black? Seriously, what are they teaching in that useless school these days.

Where was I? Oh, yes, her ebony cat. Old lady, spooky shack, black cat – in any other village that would have been plenty to keep the neighbors from ever getting near the place. But no, because that stupid school had not been teaching anyone anything about good governance or even how the government worked, the people were so desperate that they ignored the ‘no trespassing’ and ‘knock if you want to die’ signs that she had hung all over the house and just kept coming.

Finally, the old lady started selling snarky tee shirts. Partially to fix the hinges that were nearly worn off her door and partially to remind people so they didn’t need her to explain as much. Of course, she actually sold snarky tunics because tee shirts hadn’t been invented yet but you get the idea. Now, even more people showed up, wanting her snarky tunics and sarcastic explanations.

In desperation, she did the only thing she could: she time travelled to the future, after making sure they elected a smarter king so no one would try to follow. But the people in the future elected dumb presidents and had even more useless schools so she once again ended up with people bugging her all the time. She started a website and sold snarky tee shirts and wished she knew how to get rid of all the stupid little kids that kept coming around and bothering her.

Then she remembered that her old cauldron – it means big pot, Tracy – was just big enough to fit around five small children and how tasty….

Hmmm, seriously? They all ran away – Tracy even dropped the dictionary. I wonder why?

I thought for sure they’d enjoy watching me make funnel cakes for them. Oh well, more for me and the cat!

Happy Halloween!