There are a whole list of things that we can blame for the degradation of the modern world and especially for the loss of civility (that’s an old fashioned term for being able to talk to anyone at all nicely – even if the other person was wrong!) – media, internet, video games, the US Supreme Court (looking at you, Warren Court especially!) and you can pretty much insert a dozen more in that list.

I don’t think there’s any real disagreement about one thing, though – we have gotten to the point where we are the least tolerant of each other that we’ve ever been in our 200 + year history. And let’s be real – American history is replete with rancorous, contentious and all but insane debate over a host of issues. We’ve never been a tea and crumpets kind of society when it comes to our arguments. We’re more of a beer and barbeque, having it out on the deck until the neighbors call the cops about the noise sort of debate society.

BUT, we used to at least be able to talk to each other without assuming out and out evil on the other side’s part. We at least tried – more often than not – to keep our heads and to not turn to violence when we didn’t get our way. Didn’t always work – sometimes it failed miserably – but we used to try. Lately, not so much.

It’s almost funny in a sad sort of way – we can talk to each other in ways undreamt of just 25 years ago. Getting the word out has never been easier – but getting people who aren’t on your side to listen has never been harder.

Which brings me to the point – it’s not just ‘them’. It’s not just ‘those guys’ who won’t listen. There are groups that are unwilling to engage at all with those of different opinions, that’s true. But the ‘we’ side of the equation is getting increasingly fed up and they, too, are disengaging from real discussion. It’s easier to talk to your likeminded friends than put up with being derided by someone who disagrees.

We must not do that – it gives power to those who are deliberately trying to destroy discourse, civil or otherwise. That, and it’s just a cheap trick. The idea is to make the environment so toxic that people assume ‘everyone’ is that vitriolic. The truth is, it only takes a few jerks to totally derail a tweet, post or thread. Just a few people intent on destruction can make discussion untenable for the rest – on both sides.

This next part is controversial – and frankly, I’ve had my own doubts – but not all liberals are insane crazies who think their mission in life is to make the internet and the public square hell of everyone else. I know – hard to believe, right? Well, the next bit is even harder – most self described liberals are actually decent enough folks who would listen – under the right circumstances.

I didn’t say agree – because we won’t ever all agree on everything. And besides, liberals have a similar hurdle – one they find nearly impossible to believe – that conservatives aren’t all supremacist nut jobs who didn’t graduate from elementary school and want minorities all shipped off to the moon. See? Crazy right? But true – in fact, most conservatives are also decent enough folks who are willing to listen – also under the right circumstances.

Solving the problem is simple – but not easy. First take a good look in the mirror – are you a <insert bad thing here>? No? Then don’t worry about it. Yes? Then fix it. The thing about fixing the world – or just our little corner of it – is that we have to start with that guy or gal who stares back at us every morning in the mirror.

Next step is the hard one – keep talking to people, even the ones who don’t agree with you. The ‘make your voice heard’ mantra is a bad idea – when did you ever really gain insight or understanding from someone yelling at you? It’s possible to be the loudest – but it’s impossible to make anyone else listen.

The trick to getting people to listen is usually to speak softer – it forces them to decide if they want to hear and pay closer attention if they do. Online, we can do something similar – be nice. It is so radically different from most interactions that it gets attention. People will often wonder about that person who was so nice – and decide to look closer at what the person wrote.

The only way to insure that the ‘other side’ isn’t heard is to silence them – or to get them to silence themselves. Those tactics can be nasty – cancel culture – and they can be simple rudeness. The tactical way to handle the latter is again, simple but hard. Ignore them.

Don’t answer every nasty comment – the plan there is to wear people down so they quit. So don’t play that game. If there have been multiple ‘answers’ to your post and they are all just vitriol, simply restate your position politely. Answer any valid objections – but not necessarily the actual post.

And the comments that seem legit? Answer them. Discuss like you would with any other civil person. If there are too many, pick the ones you think have the best arguments against your position and answer those. The idea isn’t to run away from a valid fight but to avoid being tackled by an entire team.

But the big thing is to keep talking. If you lose your temper, apologize and try again another day. If you lose the argument, concede and rethink your position until you can either defend it or you decide you were wrong. Conceding a point just means you acknowledge you goofed – maybe big, maybe small. But being honest enough to admit it is the kind of thing that earns you the attention of others – and that’s when we really communicate.

The only way to be unheard is to never speak.