Today class, we will learn about what to do when your political party is in deep trouble with the voters.
First, distract the voters from whatever you did to make them mad. This is a lot easier when you haven’t made them mad with almost everything you did, but it’s too late to worry about that now. Try things like: politically persecuting an opponent; persecute everyone you can who is tied to that opponent, no matter how remotely (especially good it you send the FBI to Hardee’s in force to confiscate the phone of a guy who sells pillows – nothing like good old fashioned insanity to confuse everyone!). Other things you can try include: have the leader of your party stand in front of a Nazi inspired backdrop while denouncing his opponent, have meaningless and endless hearings in front of Congress in the hope someone will tune in, and pretend your leadership is somehow relevant.
Second, you have got to have something to rally around. An improving economy is great, especially if you didn’t wreck it to begin with, but anything will do. Dump the Strategic Oil Reserve into the market to bring down those pesky gas prices, pretend rising interest rates are good for your constituents, and for Pete’s sake, pass as many baby killing laws as you can. Yell about freedom and how a woman has the right to have her baby killed – that always gets the crowd on its feet.
Third, and this is important, pretend that you’re winning. Scream from the rafters about any uptick in the polls and ignore entirely every indication that you are paddling a sinking dingy under the Titanic. Remember you have to convince everyone God is on your side even though you don’t believe in Him. Don’t trouble yourself with consistency – just pray louder. You have got to get more than just the suckers, er, I mean. true believers, to believe you are winning or they won’t bother to come to the polls.
What’s that? Will all of this save your party? Well, of course not, Little Johnny. By the time you need to be doing these things, the party is done for. All this does is buy some time to get off the sinking ship without anyone noticing you’re the ones that made it sink. You need time to get a life preserver and plausible deniability in case the party that takes power is in a prosecuting criminals sort of mood.
Well, sure, it would have been better to have not screwed up everything in the first place but when you are trying to hold together a coalition of groups that literally have opposite objectives you can’t be worried about making good policy. You have to keep giving everyone under your tent whatever they like, no matter how bad it is for the country.
Little Johnny, why do you want to know how to register as a Republican?
